Sonder

Sonder.. such a simple word. Yet so fuckingly awesome. Just few letters and they are almost like a gist of life and living.
All our lives are uniquely common.
Millions and billions humans exist on this planet alone.
Each one with their own complexities, quirks, negatives and positives.
I mean, just the thought.
Here I'm struggling to make sense of my own being and there's this energy, fuckingly awesome energy behind the existence of these billion beings, only human beings. The count of all living ones is something beyond our level of discussion.
So as much as these religions don't make any sense to me. But science it kinds of astonishes me, awestruck types, leaves me mesmerized.
How? Where? Why? Did everything start? Why is it still running this way? How long will it be this same? What will happen when nothing of this remains​. Will we realise that we are extinct? Does nothing know of nothing?? We will carry on this discussion some other night.

So where were we? Yeah. Sonder. The realisation that everyone has their own story.
I'm the hero of my story, my movie. And for the other billions of such movies my character doesn't exist. And of the few hundreds I know, I may only be a blurred face one in the background, for a fraction of second. Of the few close ones, I may be a character artist. Where my name will be used and referred to. In one or two movies I may be the sidekick or the second lead.
So I have only one movie to myself.
Where the story revolves around me. I smile, I cry , I fight the goons, I make love, I'll have babies of my own, will age, grow old, diseased at times and finally bid good bye. Only one movie will include me from start to end. Just one of the billion rest.

But me being me, I try to avoid taking the center of stage even in this movie. I never like that spotlight on me. Give importance to other's choices, their wants before listening to myself. Give them an important role in one more movie additional to their own.
But if this movie flops, only I'll be the one to blamed. The lead actor has to take the responsibility. So I'm the lead, in this one movie. I'll have to take the praise, I'll have to take the blame.

I always wanted to be a hero, since I was a child. Save someone in need. Do right, speak good. Love. And pass on this love and multiply. But I don't think I'm being the hero of my movie, the way I always dreamed of. I'm shying away from my responsibilities most often than not.
My dailogues, my view are not often heard by my own ears, so forget about the people around me. May be I'm just more going with the flow. May be I'll remain only that blurred face in the frame. May be I'm not the hero material.

But I really want my film to do well. I didn't like few of the movies and books I read. But I couldn't do anything about it, as I wasn't the author nor the main lead.
But in this movie of mine, if we look at it, I'm the author , I'm the lead. So I can actually make changes when something I don't agree with occurs.
Well I know this is no super hero movie. But whatever it is, there's a hero. And I'm that hero. So I would surely want my movie to give a good performance, if not be a plain flop or a runaway hit.

I'm the hero. Feels good. No one has ever called me a hero, in a serious way. Most often they were playing around.
Hero. So I'm the hero of this movie. And I no more want to shy away. For this movie, just this one, let the spotlight be on my face.

I don't want the character artists to take the decisions which the hero has to take. I would never want to watch a movie like that, where the hero doesn't behave like one. I want my movie's​ hero to stand for things he thinks is right. To do only what makes sense to him. To follow his heart. To live his passion. To act when something is going wrong. To make his own decisions. To be brave to fall in love. And be lot more brave to realise his feelings and do something about it, rather than sit and wait for the time to take it's own course. I don't want him to blame the negative characters when he abstains from cultivating positivity in his life. I don't want him to cry foul without even giving the villian a fight. Winning or losing is secondary, but he has to get in the ring and deal with the problems head on. Stare right into its eyes. Even if he looses the battle or even if he dies, I'll be happy that he behaved like a true hero and didn't back out.

A hero of character, integrity and not just of strength.
A hero of understanding, compassion and not just of love.
A hero of people who I love , a hero of people who love me more.

As David Bowie sings,
'We can be heroes, forever and ever
What'd you say?'

( P. S : It's a scramble of thoughts. Well since when are thoughts in organised manner anyway. :-P )